


On My Own

by sapphicpaint



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ashlyn Caswell is a Good Friend, Childhood Friends, Gen, Les Mis - Freeform, Songfic, Unrequited Love, redky - Freeform, this is very sad and im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22289452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicpaint/pseuds/sapphicpaint
Summary: When Big Red first joined the East High Theatre Company, he was convinced it was a cult. Then, he found a family. Or so he thought. Right now, it's looking like his worst nightmare.
Relationships: Big Red & Ashlyn Caswell, Big Red & Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Big Red/Ricky Bowen (one-sided), Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47





	On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> Alright what's up Redky nation!! I'm ready to gift you all with sadness. I am gay, sad, and a theatre techie, so I feel qualified to supply you all with some good and accurate sad shit. The inspiration from this fic comes from tumblr user @adoringseb, who made a post about a hc where East High does Les Mis, and Ricky is Marius, and Red gets asked to stand in for Eponine. As someone whose high school did Les Mis a few years back- ouch. 
> 
> Also, I'd just like to say real quick that there is no way in hell that Big Red could possibly have done all of the tech work for High School Musical: The Musical. A typical theater would have required at least three people working on sound and three on lighting. It's impossible!! He couldn't have!! I also don't understand why they wouldn't have just created lighting and sound cues in a computer program beforehand- why in the world was he doing them live?? Okay. Techie rant over. 
> 
> I'm sorry if this is not good. I do not write fanfiction. However, if you liked it, please drop some kudos or come visit me on Twitter @sapphicpaint.

Big Red hated tech week. But he also loved it. He felt conflicted about tech week. There was just something about it that was both magical and stressful. 

Sure, he loved being part of the theatre company. His fellow techs were fun to hang out with, and doing tech for shows was a good way to spend time with his actor friends. Also, he was pretty good at manning the light and sound boards, if he could say so himself. 

* * *

After the success of High School Musical: The Musical, Ashlyn found him in the gym practicing his tap dancing routine, and tried to convince him to audition for the spring musical- Les Mis. But the stage just wasn't for him, alright? He could barely handle the pressure of tech, and he really couldn't risk another screw up like the national anthem incident. He couldn't do that to Miss Jenn, or Ricky or Nini or any of the other actors who had worked so hard to put on a good show. 

When he explained it to Ashlyn, she smiled sadly, like she understood, but wished she hadn't. 

"I get it," she said, "but I think you're something extraordinary."

Ashlyn was just sweet like that. There were times that Big Red thought that she was his best friend. He was glad that their kiss hadn't ruined their friendship- although it had been a nice kiss, there really wasn't any chemistry between the two of them. They'd stayed close though, getting milkshakes at the local diner and watching musicals together. Of course, the two of them knew why the kiss hadn't gone anywhere. Neither of them said it, but Big Red saw the looks that Ashlyn gave him sometimes. He never said it outright, but he never felt like he had to. Which was nice. It was scary, knowing that Ashlyn knew something so personal about himself, but it felt good to know that somebody knew, and didn't hate him for it. 

Ashlyn continued to encourage him to audition up until the very last minute. He knew he wasn't going to though, he'd already signed up to do lights and sound for the show. For some reason though, he stuffed his tap shoes in his bag on his way out the door. As he watched his actor friends audition, he felt the shoes weighing down his bag, like a secret that he couldn't ever reveal to anyone. Despite the looks from Ashlyn, his bag stayed zipped. The pull had been magnetic though- more than anything, he yearned to be onstage, under the lights, performing a dance routine, or delivering a passionate soliloquy. 

Ricky gave him a questioning look when he saw the silent exchange occurring between Red and Ashlyn, but Red just smiled at Ricky and shook his head. Ricky would get the lead, just like he deserved, and Red would move the lights and queue the mics so that the audience could see his best friend the way he was meant to be seen- on stage. 

Sure enough, when the cast list was posted, Miss Jenn had chosen Ricky for the role of Marius. Red expected nothing less. 

Rehearsals passed by quickly, with the cast taking to their roles easily and fluidly. Ricky made an excellent Marius, just like Nini made a beautiful Cosette. They didn't even have to act like they were in love, because everyone in the department knew how head over heels they were for one another. It just made sense. The sky was blue, the planet was round, and Ricky and Nini were in love, just like Marius and Cosette. Just from the way Ricky looked at Nini, Red could tell that he would do anything for her. Sometimes, late at night, he would admit to himself that he wished that he could have the love that Ricky and Nini shared. 

* * *

By the time tech week rolled around, Big Red was tired. High School Musical: The Musical was nothing compared to Les Mis. The sheer amount of lights and microphones needed to put on the production was overwhelming, and needless to say, Red had almost no clue what was going on. The lights in the gym were one thing, but the lights in the theatre were a whole other ballgame. Not to mention the mics- oh my god. There had been seven or eight speaking characters in the fall musical, and now there were over twenty- plus ensemble members. It was a complete nightmare. He was lucky that his friends were so supportive, or he definitely would've quit already. Wise words from Ashlyn definitely made it all possible.

About midway through tech week, Ashlyn cornered Big Red.

"I need a favor." She told him quickly. He stood up from where he had been adjusting one of the front lights from the catwalk. It was the one light that never stayed in the position he set it in, no matter how tight he pulled the clamp. 

"Yeah no problem Ash, what's up?" He asked. She looked like she was in a hurry. 

"I gotta go home now, but Miss Jenn will absolutely kill me if I leave during the last bit of tech rehearsal. I really, really need you to stand in for me while I'm gone- I promise it'll only be about an hour, max, and then I'll be back." Red just stared at her in shock.

"Ash, what?" He asked, confused beyond belief.

"Look," Ashlyn began, smiling softly at him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "I know that you know the part. We've watched Les Mis too many times for you to not. You can sing, you can dance, and I just need you to pretend to be Éponine for like, an hour. Just while Miss Jenn finishes writing out the lighting cues."

Big Red just stared at his friend in disbelief. Never had he wanted to scream for as many reasons as he wanted to in that moment. More than anything, he wanted to forget his insecurities and fears and just say _yes_. But he also remembered why it was a bad idea. There was a reason nobody knew about his dancing ability, not even Ricky. It was something personal to him- something he did in the comfort of his basement as an outlet for his feelings, not something he did on a stage in front of a thirty person cast. He knew it was silly, but he felt like if he sang, or danced, in front of everyone, they would be able to see right through him. 

He opened his mouth to tell her that he couldn't, that it was too much and she needed to go ask Kourtney instead. Then he saw her face, and he knew that he couldn't refuse. Ashlyn had been such a kind friend to him, keeping his secrets and doing it gladly. He owed it to her. So he said the one thing his heart yearned to say and his brain screamed at him not to.

"Yes."

* * *

"Hey Big Red, you looking for something?" Kourtney asked Red as he sorted through one of the costume racks backstage. 

"Yeah, um, I'm looking for Ashlyn's costume? At the very least, I'm looking for her hat and coat." He asked as he moved clothes around.

"I have it right here,' Kourtney told him. "Can I ask why?" She asked, handing him the hat and coat, which he took from her gladly.

"Yeah. Ashlyn needed to head home for a bit," he explained. "So I'm kind of... wonderstudying, I guess?" He offered her a meek smile. 

Luckily, Kourney just huffed a laugh under her breath. "Good for you, Red. Good for you."

* * *

Playing Éponine was... so easy, for Red. Ricky had simply stared in shock at Red in the classic Éponine get-up for a moment, before Miss Jenn had interrupted them to start the scene. Almost immediately, Big Red and Ricky settled in to a familiar pattern of teasing. The lines flowed easily, and teasing Ricky felt like second nature. Red was feeling content, up until the moment Nini stepped onstage. 

Big Red watched as the stage seemed to dissipate away, everything disappearing except for Ricky and Nini. He looked at her as if the light on the catwalk hadn't fallen loose and was now pointing directly into his eyes. He looked at her as if nothing else mattered and they weren't currently rehearsing a play. 

_That girl, who can she be?_

And suddenly, Red was thrown back into a memory long forgotten.

* * *

"Dude, did you see Nini today?" Asked Ricky, stumbling over his feet to keep up as he and Big Red made their way to their second period class.

"Yeah, dude, we see Nini every day. We all share the same first period?" Red replied, confused.

"No, dude," Ricky sighed, exasperated. "I mean did you see how she _looked_. She looked beautiful today! And she smiled at me and said hi, and-"

"Nini says hi to us every day."

Ricky groaned. "No, dude, come on! We're in middle school now. This is when we're supposed to like, pick up chicks! And Nini's like, the prettiest chick that we know."

Was she really? Red hadn't noticed at all. He'd known Nini for a while, but he'd never thought to think of her as pretty, or beautiful. He didn't say anything though. He just laughed and nodded along, taking his seat next to Ricky as class started.

As he stared out the window, he thought about how sometimes the light would hit Ricky's face, and he'd think to himself about how pretty Ricky's eyes were. But that couldn't be right.

* * *

Everything continued smoothly. There weren't whole lot of dance numbers that included Éponine, so Red got away with not using his skills. Every time he was on side stage though, he found himself checking his phone for any updates on Ashlyn. He was sort of having fun, but also sort of not really. Playing Éponine was of course every theatre kid's dream come true. But not like this, Red thought to himself. This felt too personal, like he was baring his soul for everyone to see. Not that anyone could tell, though. As far as any cast member watching could tell, Red was just being a good friend to Ashlyn by doing her a favor. 

The show continued, with Miss Jenn marking down lighting notes that Red would inevitably have to pick through later. From across the stage, Ricky would make faces at Red, sticking his tongue out and blowing raspberries, which Red indulged in by doing them right back. Being onstage was kind of fun. He... began to regret not auditioning, even though he knew he would've just been cast as an ensemble member. 

All those thoughts ended when it was time for Ricky and Nini to sing their duet in the garden. 

_Éponine, you're the friend who has brought me here. Thanks to you I am at one with the gods and heaven is near!_

* * *

"Thanks for driving me, dude," Ricky thanked as Red put the car in park.

"Of course dude! What are friends for?" Red replied, shrugging him off. It really hadn't been a huge deal, driving Ricky to the movie theater for his first date with Nini. Of course, it had been a huge deal for Ricky, who had been trying to go out with Nini for months. For Red though, it was just a ten minute drive for his house, and feeling jealous for no identifiable reason. "What time should I pick you up?"

"Nah, you don't have to!" Ricky told him, smiling has he gathered his coat in preparation to go. "Nini's moms will drive me home. Thanks for the ride though! I'll text you later!" 

And with that, Ricky closed the door to Red's car and ran into the movie theater, leaving Red to wonder why he couldn't help but feel like he was being shut out of Ricky's life for good. Which was silly, because they'd be going to the skate park together the ver next day. And yet, Red still found himself hoping that Ricky and Nini's date would be a total disaster. Then Ricky would be sad for a bit, and they would sit on his couch and eat ice cream, until eventually they'd start laughing about something silly, like how Ricky tried to put his arm around her or something, and Ricky would forget all about Nini and their friendship would go back to normal. 

But for Ricky's sake, Red hoped it would go well. Nini just made Ricky so unbelievably happy. Happier than Red had ever seen Ricky with him.

* * *

By the time the show had arrived at Big Red's solo, Red was ready to kill Ashlyn. She'd promised that she would've been back by then. He hadn't expected to have to continue as long as he had, and if he was honest, he was ready to be done with the whole ordeal. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take before his eventual breakdown, and if he had to do Éponine's death scene, he'd surely die, for real. 

But Ashlyn was not answering any of her calls, so Red walked onstage alone. 

He stood on center stage, and peered out into the audience. He saw Ricky sitting besides Nini, and they both gave him a big thumbs up and smiled encouragingly. He took a deep breath, then nodded at Miss Jenn, who queued the band to start. 

_On my own, pretending he's beside me_

The shock in the audience at hearing Red sing was tangible. He was certain that he was Carlos's mouth drop, and Miss Jenn pulled out her notebook and began scribbling something down, and he could already tell that he was going to get an earful from both of them as well as Ricky, who was staring at the stage in awe. Red tried to pay it no mind, and keep singing, just focusing on keeping time with the band's music. 

_And although I know that he is blind..._

* * *

The night that High School Musical: The Musical opened, and Ashlyn had kissed Big Red, he found himself lying awake in his bed, unable to sleep. He had enjoyed the kiss, he really had. But he couldn't stop thinking about it. It had felt nice, but apart from feeling nice, he didn't feel much else. 

He liked Ashlyn a lot. He really did! She was always super cool and nice to him, and they had a lot in common. They liked musicals. They were both... overshadowed, a bit, by their more well-known counterparts. Ashlyn understood what it was like to be the back half of 'Ricky & Red', because she was the back half of 'EJ & EJ's cousin'. 

But looking at Ashlyn, he didn't think that he felt what he should feel for her. In fact, he couldn't think of a single girl that he had felt romantically towards. He had always thought that he was just a late bloomer, that he'd eventually get over his 'ew, girls' phase and think of girls the way Ricky did- as pretty, beautiful, hot. But, he hadn't. 

Laying there in bed, he thought back to the sixth grade. And the way Ricky's eyes lit up when the sun hit them just right. And now, how the light from Red's spotlight would make his eyes light up the exact same way. 

It was then, at some ungodly hour in the morning, that Red whispered something to himself that he didn't think he would ever say to anyone, even if he knew it was true. Even just speaking the words aloud felt exposing and violating. But, he said them anyway, if only to himself.

"I'm gay."

* * *

_I love him_

_I love him_

_I love him_

_But only on my own_

Red's audience applauded, his friends roaring loudly in support. He'd finished strong, even if he'd choked up a bit at the end. Luckily, it was easy to pass that off as acting, feeling the emotion of Éponine's song. 

He quietly excused himself to the bathroom, handing the coat and hat back to Kourtney on his way out. He stepped in, pulled out his phone, and called Ashlyn, who mercifully picked up. 

"Hey Red! I promise I'm on my way back to the theater. Did everything go okay?" She paused, only to hear Red choke back a sob.

"Oh no, Red, what happened?" She asked, concern apparent even through the phone. He hoped she was close.

"I think," he took in a shuddering breath. He took another second, Ashlyn waiting patiently. "I think I'm in love with Ricky." Ashlyn inhaled sharply.

"Oh, Red," she sighed sadly. "I know."


End file.
